The Detroit Lions Draft Matt Stafford, World Ends


The Detroit Lions signed Georgia Quarterback Matt Stafford last night to a contract with 41.7 million dollars guaranteed. The world ended shortly afterwards.

Saginaw resident Joe Wareowski's life was shattered into a billion tiny pieces following the announcement. "How could they do this to me?" Wareowski told the "Goodbye, Ladies" Draft Report. "I have lived through a lot. Andre Ware, getting blown out during the NFC Championship Game, one playoff appearance in 50 years, Matt Millen, four wide receivers drafted in the top 10 within six years, the game we lost because we missed a freakin' extra point, and the only season in major professional sports history where the Detroit Lions lost every single game."

"But drafting a quarterback with a high round pick? That's by far the worst thing that the Detroit Lions have ever done."

"It doesn't make any sense to me" said Royal Oak resident Deborah Long, "everybody knows that the best way to get a quarterback is to draft one in the seventh round and let him sit for twenty, thirty years--you know, give him time to develop. Isn't that what the Colts did with Peyton Manning?"

Reports have also surfaced that in the wake of the Stafford signing, the hit television show "The Office" has been cancelled, the U.S.S.R. has reformed and resumed their nuclear weapons program, alien life forms from the Andromeda System have decided to commence their invasion of Earth, and the boy band O-Town has reunited and will be touring this Summer.


Anonymous said...

Who is next for the Loins Andre?

Mr. D

Andre WareAreTheyNow? said...

You'll have to wait, Mr. D! It's looking like they might take Oher if he drops.


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